Time Lord Fetishes
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: AU-ish. The War Doctor questions what The Moment meant when she said they kissed, The Moment gets a new mission in her life, Ten is not happy, and Clara is severely traumatised.


Excited little boys.

That was the best way Clara could describe the three totally different Doctors right at this moment in time. And no she wasn't kidding, while there was her Doctor, the incredibly childish one dressed as a stuffy old professor, there was also an older, very handsome and charming, version in awesome converses, and a lot older, gruff, unkempt version who had spent a great deal of time looking down on her Doctor (and vice versa), and now they were all jumping up and down and complimenting each other like little boys.

She cannot tell you how hard it is to not laugh in situations like these.

"Bad Wolf girl," the older, War version of the Doctor shouted out, "I could kiss you!"

"Yeah that's going to happen."

Clara could not tell you for the life of her where that voice came from but she definitely heard it. She had been hearing it on and off the whole adventure and whatever it was, the War Doctor could hear it to, probably see the owner of the voice, since he had replied to the voice more than once.

"Sorry, did you say Bad Wolf?" the Awesome Converse Wearing Doctor asked.

The War Doctor didn't answer Converse Doctor as he frowned at something behind him. Probably at the owner of the mysterious voice that for some reason Clara couldn't see. "What do you mean yeah that's going to happen?" he demanded. "When did I kiss you?"

"Oh well, your next body gives me a lovely long one," the voice smirked, and Clara couldn't help but picture a pretty girl counting off on her fingers. "And then that one with the great hair and excellent bum, well I was possessed by a flap of skin but yeah, we snogged, and then there was the Metacrises….mm….still kissing him, and boy is he good."

The War Doctor spluttered with embarrassment as he had the characteristic flush of Time Lord-y humiliation that he was never going to admit to. It seemed some things never change no matter what sort of body the Doctor is in.

"Err…" the Converse Doctor shuffled his feet and scratched his ear. "Who are you talking to?"

"Oh yes, you won't know, but it doesn't matter because you will remember, _**OH**_!" Clara's Doctor babbled delightfully. "_I remember now_! Oh that's brilliant. Absolutely wonderful. Oh why didn't I remember before? How _rude_ of me! I don't know how you put up with me, oh well, let's add to that little list shall we?"

And then, much to Clara's horror as she will never know how to explain this to anyone, he grabbed thin air (_there was nothing there_!) and thoroughly kissed it, and Clara means kiss it. There was tongue and everything! Far too much tongue actually…

Err why does some of her fellow female companions want to kiss this guy again?

"Why do I have to regenerate into you again?" the War Doctor moaned childishly.

"What? What? Wait what?" the Converse Doctor yelped in a rather squeaky manner. "Is Rose there? If Rose is here why can't I see her? And why do you get to kiss her? She's not an All Doctor buffet!"

"Hmm…a Doctor buffet, I like that," the voice giggled when Clara's Doctor finally stopped….well wiggling his tongue around in thin air. "I think once we're finished here I'll do a quick jump in time and snog all of the Doctors. Yes! That is my new mission! I will kiss all of you."

"You do that," Clara's Doctor encouraged the voice cheerfully.

"I'll start now!"

And then much to Clara's horror the War Doctor suddenly staggered back into one of the TARDIS' and grabbed onto...well nothing that Clara could see but she hoped to God it was a girl, and kissed the thin air back.

(And thankfully this version of the Doctor didn't use so much tongue, urgh Clara is certain she'll be sick if she ever see's the Doctor's tongue any time soon.)

Now Clara didn't understand entirely what was going on but she did know one thing. As her Doctor turned to grin at her she leaped away against one of the TARDIS' nearby, grabbing it for support. "Oh my God!" she shrieked as she pointed at her Doctor. "Jenny, Vastra, and Strax are right! You do have a thin air fetish!"

"What?"

"Jesus Christ what is _wrong _with you? Are you so lonely that you'll just make out with _nothing_?!"

"_What_?"

"You know if you're so lonely we can just go to the pub and you can pull a girl like any normal bloke."

"_**WHAT**_?!"

"Oh for God sake get a new vocabulary, the three of you!"


End file.
